Foaly and the Adventures of Dental Work
by moonsauce
Summary: Okay, this is really weird, my first fanfiction on this site. Total NONSENSE! READ&REVIEW! I've gotten two chapters on already, and unless I have another sudden stroke of demented genius, I probably won't write a third.
1. Chapter 1

I got really bored while I was waiting to go on the Internet, and I started thinking of all the things that rhyme with Foaly. Then it hit me like a red-hot brick thrown by a mental pixie. FOALY MOALY! Hence, this weird, twisted, abusive fan fic.

Disclaimer: If I owned Artemis Fowl, I would most defiantly have a life, and I would not be writing this. I don't own The Wizard of Oz either.

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**Foaly and the Adventures of Dental Work**

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"What the hell are we doing here!"

"I don't know!"

Root and Holly, during an important mission, in which they were trying to fix the LEP Recon's coffee machine, found themselves in a blindingly bright room with rigid, metal furniture. As Root proceeded to turn red as fresh roses on a spring day, a certain little pixie appeared.

"CHIX! You broke the coffee machine, DIDN'T YOU!"

"Um….noooo. Surprisingly not."

"What's going on here?" While Julius and Chix were bickering over the most loved machinery in Haven, Butler had appeared with a big, cushy POOF!

"Umm….."

"None of your beet roots, MUD MAN."

"HEY! What about me? I only got ONE LINE throughout this whole thing! I WANT LINES!"

"Well, actually, you really weren't supposed to be in this story…but SOMEBODY needed to talk to Root so that I could make that funny analogy about spring roses," said a booming, disembodied voice…cough mine cough.

"Why couldn't Chix do it?" asked the newly appeared Artemis Fowl who, surprisingly, had sprouted out of Butler's stomach.

"Shut up, smartmouth!"

"Fine!"

"Okay, I want you all to argue, so I'm going to stop speaking right….now. Nope, actually…now."

"Okay, that was weird…"

"I'M BORED!"

"Shut up, Chix."

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES, OR I'LL TAKE YOU OFF DUTY WITH HOLLY!"

"Fairy dust."

"What kind of swear is that?"

"I dunno, I'm only here for comic relief, remember?"

"Oh yeah…Fowl! That was really disgusting!"

"Yeah! Coming out of Butler's stomach like that! How do you think Butler felt!"

"Actually, it felt pretty good…" Butler stated dreamily as he stared out into space, namely, the Barney in Space movie that was playing on the small TV sticking out of the ceiling. "You know…you can learn a lot from these movies…."

"Really? I never-"

"Okay, kiddies, time for DR. FOALY TIME!" Suddenly, the high-tech centaur dropped down from the ceiling.

"_Dr._ Foaly?"

"Yes, I am now a certified dentist!"

"Cool!"

"Heyyy…wait a sec…I-"

"YES! MWAHHAHHHAHHHAAHHA! I shall give you all….._braces._ Mwahahhahhhahha!" The disembodied voice once again joined the talk.

"NO!" all in unison, even Foaly the dentist.

"I refuse to give them…._braces."_ Duh, duh, duh.

"Why not? _I _paid for the online lessons! I even check your homework for you!"

"'Cause I'm rebellious, that's why!"

"MEANIE! YOU PEOPLE WON'T LET ME HAVE ANY FUN! NOW I SHALL RELEASE MY THREE PLAGUES ON YOU ALL! MWAHHAHHAHHAAAHAHHHAHA!"

"Um…I don't like plagues. Maybe-"

"SILENCE! NOW, AS THE FIRST PLAGUE, THE ATTACK OF THE HOUSE FLIES!"

"House flies?" A small fly landed on Foaly's rear end. "Oh, YEY! LOOK, LOOK! I HAVE A FRIEND! I think I'll name him Zippy."

"What kind of stupid-" The commander was interrupted by a large, sudden swarm of house flies.

"AHH!" in unison.

"HEY! These taste pretty good!"

"EWWW!" in unison, all except Bulter, of course.

"It's true!"

"MWAHHAHHHAHHHAAAHHHA! Now can you see? Now, for my second plague-"

"Foaly passes so much gas that all the flies fall dead, and the room turns GREEN!"

"CHIX!" in unison once again.

"Hey! That's a good one! MWAHHHAHHHAHHHAAHHA!"

And indeed, the flies fell dead and the room turned green.

"Yuck!"

"Oh poop. I've run out of ideas."

"YES!" all cried in unison.

"How about you turn our noses upside-down, and then you send us all home."

"Butler!" in unison.

"NOO! I'm too young to have my nose upside-side down!"

"YESS! MWAHHAHAAHHAHHA!"

Arty, Foaly, Butler, Holly, Julius, and Chix all suddenly had upside-down noses, but only Foaly and Root had left the room.

"Heyyy, where Mister Centaur dude and Beet Root?"

"AAAHHHH! MY NOSE IS UPSIDE-DOWN! NOW ARTY WILL NEVER- oops, I mean, umm…" Everyone in the room was staring at Holly, with Artemis giving her a rather measuring look. Arty shook himself like a dog, only with a slightly more intelligent look to him.

"Ooooh, I didn't know that this was a romantic comedy!" the disembodied voice once again spoke.

"HA,HA! In your dreams, Artemis!" Chix snarled.

"What do you know, PEOPLE MAN," Arty retorted.

"Is that the best you've got, MUD BOY?"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah? You wanna go? Huh, HUH?"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, maybe I do, for once."

"Gentlemen, GENTLEMEN! Have you ever wondered why they call you GENTLE men?" Arty and Chix both stared at Holly stupidly. "No? BECAUSE YOU'RE GENTLE!"

"Thank you Holly, but if you would please let us _gentle_men carry on, maybe then we could go and find some nice, quiet, room…."

"ARTEMIS! The nerve! Shut your arrogant, rambling mouth and listen! You-"

"WOW! I didn't know that turning noses upside-down would get results this entertaining!" the disembodied voice once again cut in. "Oh, and if I may ask, where has Arty's dear bodyguard gone off to?"

"Don't call me-"

"WHERE'S BUTLER, AND FOALY….and Root?"

"Hehe…Well currently, Foaly is at the Kentucky Derby, number 5, and Julius is in my grandmother's garden, as a gnome."

"Hey! That's pretty good…Kentucky Derby, garden gnome…ha, that's pretty funny!"

"BWAHHHAHHHHAHHHA!" Chix.

"BWAHHHAHHAHHHA!" Arty.

"giggles But where snort is giggle Butler?"

"Ohhh, the man-who-has-no-apparent-first-name…."

"Where is he?"

"Well…giggles uncontrollably…..I happen to have sent him to snort Haven LEP Recon quarters giggle wearing nothing but a rather feeble loincloth giggles uncontrollably again and bearing a large chunk of rotten cheese upon his head…he is currently rather embarrassed…"

"BWAHHHAHHHAHHHAHAHHHAA!"

"HE HE HEH EH EH EEEEEEEEH!" Holly, undoubtedly.

"MWAHHHAHHAHHHAHHHAAHHHA!"

"I could have come up with something better."

"Oh, really? Soooo, you're saying that you're smarter than me?"

"Yes."

"Fine, then I have a riddle for you."

"Go on."

"You are a zookeeper."

"Why would I want to be a zookeeper?"

"IT'S A RIDDLE! Now, a zoo has 4 Rhinos, 5 zebras, 1 kangaroo, and a giant octopus."

"That's all that's in the zoo?"

"YES, SHUT UP AND LISTEN! Two of the Rhinos fall ill, and die a horrible, painful death…"

"What did they fall ill with?"

"It doesn't matter! Then the zoo buys 3 new Rhinos, all female. All of the Rhinos are girls."

"Okay..."

"Then, 3 of the Zebras roll in tar, and become pure, Arabian-black horses. They are bought from the zoo by an Arabian horse-dealer."

"This is weird!"

"Who cares? It can be as weird as I like! The octopus grows to an ENORMUS size; it is now as big as a house, a very, very large house! And the U.S. Government buys the zoo and the octopus for military purposes. No one at your zoo loses their job. Who is the zookeeper at this weird zoo?"

"I am!"

"WRONG! I never said it was YOUR zoo that I was talking about, HA!

"Shoot! Wait, what is the meaning of life?

"There _is_ no meaning."

"Oooh, I never thought of that. D'Arvit!"

"MWAHHHAHHHAHHH! Ouch!"

"What?"

"Been…gasp….writing too long….wince….carpel tunnel….oooh!"

"Oooh, well, you better stop writing soon."

"Yesss…must gasp stop…now…doctor, unbearably hot doctor…"

And, the evil disembodied voice stopped writing this torturous story. Arty, Holly, and Chix stared at each other for quite a long time.

"How do we get home?"

"Hmm….maybe we have to click our shoes and say 'There's no place like home' three times!" Chix and Holly stared at the young Fowl. "What?"

"Yeah…maybe…."

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A/N: Wow, I had a lot of fun writing this. It was supposed to be an oneshot thing…but if I get more reviews…..


	2. Chapter 2

Hi, guys! This was totally supposed to be one-shot, but with a couple of reviews, and a bit of advertising on my part, (don't ask) I decided to continue! YAY! Send in the happy dancing elves, and pretty ponies, AND PINK DENTURES!

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Arty, or anything really….except, of course, myself. But, now that I think of it, I donated my body to science a couple hundred years ago…so I guess I literally don't own anything.

**TO MY REVIEWERS:**

**wanderingmind911: **thank you, I'm so glad that you acknowledge that the whole point of this story is to _be_ pointless…..oops, I guess it has a point, then….POOP!

**Devine-Mystery: **thanks for reading my fic! HOT HEADED STUBBORNESS ROCKS MY WORLD! Hehe…

**JayJayde: **WOW! I've never been told that my stuff is well written! OR funny! Most people think I'm random and deeply disturbed. THANK YOU! If I hadn't already married my notebook, I WOULD KISS YOU!

**Liz Lazardo: **yes, I agree that it was totally and completely random, but that is what makes it _funny!_ Did you know that you were my first reviewer? ((sob)) Sorry, I'm having a rather emotional moment…..WAH!

**Hon Sango: **I'm so snort glad that you liked it! And as you can see, I DID WRITE ANOTHER ONE! YAY! Your review made me giggle with happiness! YAY!

**FetishFemale: **I take it that you are so stunned with amazement that you could only write one word. 'Wow' was a good choice!

**To All My Readers: **I'm sorry that I made it so hard to figure out who was talking….I just _hate_ to write words like 'said' and 'shouted' after sentences. It totally breaks my flow! Anyways, I promise that I will try harder to make that clearer…..SORRY! I love you guys! ALL SIX OF YOU! ((sob))

And now, without further ado, Foaly and the Adventures of Dental Work!

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**Foaly and the Adventures of Dental Work**

**Chapter Two**

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"MWAHAHHAHHAAHHA! MWAHAHHAAHHA!" Artemis Fowl, strangely enough, was running dementedly throughout Fowl Manor. He failed his feeble little genius arms and continuously yelled 'MWAHAHHAAHA!' over and over again. Butler's good sister, Julia, came to investigate.

"ARTEMIS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" yelled the extremely perturbed Julia.

"MWAHHAHHAAHA!" yelled Artemis.

"YOU SHUT UP YOU LITTLE MONSTER!"

"MWAHAHHAHHA!"

"Talk to me like the civilized boy you are! You-" Julia lunged at our beloved Arty, but she was caught by the ever-so-strong Butler.

"Julia NO! Arty can't help it!" the distressed bodyguard yelled.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE CAN'T HELP IT! LET GO OF ME!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"NO!"

"HA! Got ya!" Butler exclaimed in triumph.

"Poop."

"MWAHHHAHHAAHA!"

"What's wrong with him?" Julia asked Butler.

"It seems to an advanced case of evil laughter syndrome."

"What!"

"MWAHHAHHAAHHHA!"

"Evil laughter syndrome, Artemis was writing a report for school about it."

"I've never heard of that."

"Nether have I, but Artemis says that it only occurs when the victim has either done something _really _evil, or they just feel like being weird," Butler replied.

"MWAHHAHHAHHHAAHA!"

"Which one is it this time?"

"Weird!" Butler yelled over one of Arty's especially loud 'MWAHHAHHAHHA!'s.

"Artemis is weird alright!" Chix, the green sprite (A/N: I believe that, in the first chapter, I said that Chix was a pixie. He is actually a sprite) said.

"CHIX! What are you doing here?" Julia yelled, who had suddenly regained her memory of the people. (A/N: MWAHHAHHHAAHHAAHA!)

"Wow, people really like to yell my name!" the sprite exclaimed.

"Why are you here?"

"Umm…..well, you know how Foaly became a dentist?"

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**That morning at LEPrecon headquarters in Haven:**

"CHIX!" Commander Julius Root yelled into the intercom.

"Yes, commander?"

"GET ME COFFEE! NOW!"

"Yes, sir!"

The sprite ran to the nearest coffee machine, which happen to be right outside Root's office. He poured a cup, but instead of coffee, very smelly mud came out. It was all gooey and had a slightly greenish tinge to it. A floating mini-plasma screen suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Foaly's centaur-y face showed up on the screen.

"Oh, hello, Chix. MWAHHHAHHHAHA! You have no doubt noticed that there is no coffee in this machine. MWAHHAHHAHHA! Too bad!"

"What's the difference between mud and coffee?" Chix asked the floating centaur.

"There isn't! But now it's _smelly_ and_ green_! Nobody will drink it now! MWAHHAHHAHAHAHHA!"

"OH, YEAH?"

"YEAH!"

"REALLY?"

"Would _you _drink it?" the newly discovered dentist asked.

"YES!"

"Then do it!"

"Okay!" Chix exclaimed. He proceeded to raise the cup to his cute little green sprite-ish lips.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you!" the centaur warned.

"Why not!"

"Because, because that's Julius's coffee!"

"Oh yeah….I'll get him another cup!" the sprite replied.

"That's the commander's _special _machine. You can't drink _anything _from his _special _machine."

"I'll go to another machine!"

"All the other machines aren't on," Foaly the dentist replied smugly.

"D'Arvit!"

"Watch your language! Foul mouths get foul teeth!"

"Well, then take my word for it that I would drink it," Chix replied.

"Will you brush and floss like a good little g- I mean boy if I do?"

"Fine!"

"Good." The little floating screen disappeared as Chix walked into Root's office.

"What took you so long?" asked the commander. His face silently started to turn purple, with yellow stripes. Why do you suddenly look like one of my dad's old shirts?"

"A shirt! What an insult! I do not look like a shirt!" Root's face then turned a deep maroon with pink stars.

"You're turning into some really funky colors……cool. You remind me of one of those little tube-like things, the ones that change color when you twist the end. Do you know those? I love those things. Awesome! Now you're pink with purple polka dots! COOL DUDE!"

"STOP THAT AND GIVE ME MY COFFEE!"

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir." Chix handed the cup of smelly mud over to the commander.

"Yes…..HEY! What is this! YUCK! It's all smelly and _green_!" Julius exclaimed angrily.

"It wasn't me! Foaly contaminated all the coffee!"

"Of course, he's a dentist. Dentist's say that coffee's bad for you…..D'Arvit! I NEED coffee! COFFEE! NOW!" Julius pulled out a ragged stick from under his desk.

"COMMANDER! DON'T HURT ME! Please? I didn't do anything!" Suddenly Chix found himself inside Fowl Manor. He didn't start throwing-up, but instead he found himself in a gorilla costume.

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"BWAHHAAAHHHA!" Butler laughed at the sprite's strange appearance. "A _gorilla _costume? Somebody has a sense of humor! BWAHHAHHA!"

"Shut up!" the distressed sprite yelled. "Can you guys help me? I need to get coffee!"

"MWAHHAHHHAHHHHA!" Artemis screeched.

"Only if you get Foaly to help us cure Arty," Julia said.

"And do the chicken dance!" Butler exclaimed.

"I'll help with Fowl, but a chicken dance? No way."

"Come on, it'll be funny!"

"Yeah!" Julia said, jumping up into the air.

"How about I give you all lollipops instead?" Chix pleaded.

"Master Artemis doesn't like lollipops," Butler replied quietly.

"MWAHHHAAHHHHAHHHA!" Artemis screeched for the fiftieth time.

"See? He laughs at the _idea_ of eating lollipops," Julia put in.

"MWAHHAHHHHHAHHHAHHAAAHA!"

"Oh, fine I'll do the chicken dance, but don't tell anyone about this!"

And the little sprite did do a chicken dance, an excellent one, in fact. You could easily tell that he had years of practice. After he was finished, Butler grabbed a cup of coffee and the giggling Julia, Artemis, Butler, and Chix found themselves zapped back into Commander Root's office.

"Ahh, Chix, I see you found some coffee. GIVE IT TO ME!" Julius yelled as Butler handed him a human-sized cup of coffee.

"MWAHHHAHHHAHHHAHHHAHHAHHHAHAHHAAAHHHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAHA!" Artemis screeched his best evil laugh yet.

"What in Frond's name is wrong with him?" Root asked as he sipped his cup o' joe.

"He happens to have an advanced case of evil laughter syndrome," Butler replied smartly.

"BWAHHHAHHHAHAHHA!" Root laughed. "And how am _I _supposed to help_ him_?"

Julia looked near tears. "Chix promised that if we gave him coffee, he would get Foaly to help!"

"Did he?" Root gave the pixie a death glare. "Well, if you manage to convince him! He is not in a very agreeable mood right now."

"Isn't he always that way?"

"True, I'll send you to his office." Commander Root once again drew out his long, ragged stick. "Bye-bye."

"DON'T HURT US! Please? What did we do?" Julia yelled.

"Shush, mud girl."

And Chix, Butler, Julia, and Artemis found themselves in Foaly's office. It was recently redecorated, with several posters of smiling teeth and all the different colors you can get on you braces. Foaly himself was seated on a beanbag in the shape of a tooth, sitting in front of a computer. He had a new design on his foil hat, which was a picture of a brightly smiling mouth with the words 'Coffee is bad' engraved on the edge.

"Hello, friends! Have you come to get your teeth cleaned? I'm afraid that you'll need to make an appointment, let me check my day timer; I believe that I can fit you in sometime next year," Foaly said as he turned to face the bewildered group.

"D'Arvit, Foaly! You know-" Chix began.

"MWAHHHHAHHHAAAAHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!" Artemis cut in.

"Ahh, I see. He appears to have an-"

"Advanced case of evil laughter syndrome," Butler finished, wanting to be the smart one for once.

"Why, yess! _Thank _you, _But_ler," Foaly said, deeply annoyed.

"Could you help us?" Chix asked.

"Hmm, well, only if-"

"What do you want, centaur?"

"I want a large collection of brightly decorated foil hats, and you must all perform an excellent Irish jig."

"_What! _Is your light bulb screwed on straight?"

"Why, I believe so," Foaly said as he pulled off his foil hat to reveal a small, 60 Watt light bulb protruding out of the top of his head. He tapped it twice, reached to screw it in a little tighter, and turned back to the group.

"EWWW…" Julia said, "That's disgusting!"

"Yes, I know…." Foaly replied with an evil sound to his voice, "Now, do you accept?"

"MWAHHAHHAAAHAHAHA!"

"Alright, alright, I _stand_ that sound!" Chix said, "But you have to turn all the coffee back to normal."

"Yes, please!" Julia agreed.

"Well, I do like to dance….." Butler put in reluctantly.

Foaly clapped his hands together excitedly, "YEY! WOOHOO! But I want Artemis to dance to, so I will cure him first. Do you want to know how?"

"DUH!" Julia, Chix, and Butler replied loudly.

"Alright, alright, touch_y_! To cure evil laughter syndrome, the victim must eat a puffer fish."

"WHAT!"

"The _un_-poisonous kind, of course," Foaly said calmly.

"What do puffer fish have to do with evil laughter?" Chix asked.

"I don't know! All I know is that if he eats a puffer fish, he shall be cured. He doesn't have to eat the whole thing, of course. Just a bite." Foaly stood up and walked over to the nearest wall and shouted, "Secretary Person!" A long, bony arm appeared out of the wall, carrying a platter with a puffer fish and a fork. "Thank you Secretary Person!"

"MWAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!"

"Okay, mud boy, eat this." Foaly stuffed a hefty piece of the fish into the young genius's mouth.

"YOU IDIOTS! An Irish jig? I shall do no such thing!" Artemis exclaimed as soon as he had swallowed.

"Too bad! You have to do it! MWAHHAHAHAHAHA!" Foaly laughed heartily.

And so, Butler, Julia, Chix, and Artemis did their dance, and all the coffee went back to normal. It turned out that both Butler and Chix had been taking advanced dance classes, and enjoyed the Irish jig very much. On the contrary, Artemis only danced hip-hop, so he spent the time rolling around on the floor instead of Irish jig-ing.

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A/N: In FetishFemale's words, 'Wow'. That was a blast! Go, GO CHESSE MYSTER! WOOHOO! Review, please! And as for flamers, bring it on! But I warn you, I happen to own a fire extinguisher.


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